To deliberately grind your own life to a series of trivial meaningless things, just to escape from reality, just to shun out the world.
Just to stop the noise getting to you.
Just to make things dissolve, dissipate, fade, disappear until you do not have to think about them anymore.
To make yourself into nothing in your own eyes, from a something, once upon a time.
To kill the glitter that once sparkled in your eyes, yourself.
To loose the battle within you, to give up trying to fight the battle outside of you.
To give up fighting with this world. To give up everything you ever lived for, you ever believed in.
To halt everything you lived to do, loved ever since your first consciousness of yourself and the world around you.
To berate yourself until you are punier than the puniest living creature.
To just live for living's sake, to just breathe for living's sake.
To spend endless days cooped up in your room, when the sun is shining so brightly outside. Because the sun reminds you of things that used to be, that starts the pain.
To walk towards the most desolate part of town when the place that you loved and that inspired you is in the opposite direction.
To consciously deny things that brought happiness to you once, because they are now laced with sorrow.
To not think, to try to not think.
To not be hurt, to try to not be hurt.
To not be affected, to try to not be affected. By anything.
To fight just to able to live. But to forget your own fight.
To fight the chaos and the pain. To try to fight the chaos and the pain, but loose yourself while trying to undo the pain, settle the chaos.
To be you, but not really you. To be looking at yourself turn into a living dead.
One who is, but one who is not anymore.
To trivialize things so much, just to be able to live from day to day and breathe. And to forget to live. And to just be a breathing machine.
Day in, day out. Just exist.
Just exist. In trying to exist, the value of existence has been lost.
"Why only exist?" this question has no answer anymore.
Because I just exist. I trivialized my life to bear pain.
And now, I cant differentiate between pain and hollowness.
I only exist and I dont have the ability to seek any answers.
I exist, that's all I am.